Learning to let go and let forgiveness soar

MArch 21st I have decided to let this be the day I let everything free from inside. Im allowing it to go and not to "Hold it" captured any longer.

For a while I thought "IT" was holding me captured...Not the case as I am getting help for understanding this and drugs no longer cast scales upon my eyes...

March 21st as I walk around the park it will be like my liberation in reclaiming my life and breaking free fromm all these sicknesses that feed from it.

My dad and mom are the biggest part of my sickness....My dad can not remember anything from when we were little let alone when the adult abuse started. Ive tried talking to him and he genuinely breaks down in disgust that any of this he let happen so I quit talking about it. Yes you can truly tell when someone is being genuine..I was around a "Life Show" all my life I know when someone is BSing and not...My dad abused my mom emotionally and physically by raping her and beating her.

The night he quit is the story was the supposed to be hidden and I was threatened with my life to never tell.
When I told My therapist I felt like a child again like at any min I was going to be taken away and punished...The day she told me "Karen your family was Fucked up" was the day I sang praise to God because no one ever agreed or seen it that way not even my husband,,,That day was a glorious day...

The night it got out of control...
My brother and I always stood at the foot of the steps and listened when my dad would come home from drinking just to make sure mom would "make it through the beating"...One night was really bad he come on thinking there was another man in the house and the beating was to the extreme....My lil brother ran out to try to stop it to be picked up and thrown...I sat there in the door step watching shaking and crying and then it was like I blacked out....I remember thinking I was going to die but I didnt care. I came running out swinging the bat and swinging the bat and none of the swings missed (sometimes I wonder if that was God power behind them swings) mom called 911 on me....on me and not dad....I didnt careat this time what happened to her but my brother was coming with me....I dont remember how old I was....But her anger grew that day towards me and hate...I still dont understand. When the cops came they seen my mom and arrested dad...mom kept screaming "what about her???" nothing happened to me and dad was gone for a while gettng help...We weren't allowed to see him...it took years before the help truly did help...but the open sores were aready septic from all the years before....Everyone asked where dad was and mom would tell them in Chicago on a business trip....

My thoughts are scattered today....

My mom would beg me after I had my son and daughter to kill her. She had a knife one Christmas while my husband was away came at me I thought she was going to try to kill me again, but she screamed out on her hands and knees and said "please kill me" I cant live with it all anymore..." I took the knife from her put it down and told mom lets talk..she spit on me and pushed me infront of my son...I told him to grab his sister and run for the truck....I didnt no what was next...as I was running towards the door my dad asked me "what have I done?" Cying I said nothing...She asked me to kill her and I wont do it?!?! All dad said was "Well now I haver to put up with her"...I grabbed my daughter which was 2 maybe 3 at the time and had my son to run for the truck because she came at the door with every intension of killing me...I couldnt make it down the steps quick enough because of the ice...she pushed me down them with my baby girl in my arms...I remember her crying and my son screaming mommy....I finally got to my feet and looked up at my dad and he just turned around and walked back inside....Mom told me to rot in hell...that, that was the only placed I deserved to live....for years she tried to take my children away from me...if it made me happy she was going to attempt to destroy it.......

Writing this has made me a bit distant towards everyone but It is imperative that I get this out...so that I can be set free...Nothing is more important right now beside my family and us healing from this...

Wow 2 days lapsed OH SMACK!

Well Day 1 of Juice Feasting was HOLY COW WHERE IS MY ENREGY and everything was off....I(I mean more so than usual) 

Here is a little info on Feasting and here is the website I got it from ;) So you can better understand what I will be going through in the next month or so...

Nutritional Program For Fasting

This physiological rest and concentration on cleanup can also generate a number of toxicity symptoms. Hunger is usually present for two or three days and then departs, leaving many people with a surprising feeling of deep abdominal peace; yet, others may feel really hungry. It is good to ask ourselves, "What are we hungry for?" Fasting is an excellent time to work on our psychological connections to consumption.

As far as fasting symptoms, headache is not at all uncommon during the first day or two. Fatigue or irritability may arise at times, as may dizziness or lightheadedness. Our sensitivity is usually increased. Common sounds like television, music, refrigerators may irritate us more now. The sense of smell is also exaggerated, both positively and negatively; I have had whole meals of smells while fasting. The tongues of most people will develop a thick white or yellow fur coating, which can be scraped or brushed off. Bad breath and displeasing tastes in the mouth or foul-smelling urine or stools may occur. Skin odor or skin eruptions such as small spots or painful boils, may also appear, depending on the state of toxicity. Digestive upset, mucusy stools, flatulence, or even nausea and vomiting may occur during fasting. Some people experience insomnia or bad dreams as their body releases poisons during the night. The mind may put up resistance, with doubt or lack of faith or a fear that the fasting is not right. (This can be influenced even more by listening to other people’s fears.) Most of these symptoms, however, will occur early if they do appear and are usually transient. The general energy level is usually good during fastings, although there can be ups and downs. Every two or three days, as the body goes into a deeper level of dumping wastes, the energy may go down, and resistance and fears as well as symptoms may arise. Between these times, we usually feel cleaner, better, and more alive.




The natural therapy term for periods of cleansing and symptoms is "crisis," or "healing crisis." During these times, old symptoms or patterns from the past may arise, usually transiently, or new symptoms of detoxification may appear. This "crisis" is not predictable and is thus often accompanied with some question by the fasters as well as their practitioners—is this some new problem arising or is it part of the healing process? Usually only time will tell, yet if it is associated with the fasting and one or more of the common symptoms, it is likely a positive part of detoxification. We should use the maxim of healing, Hering’s Law of Cure, to guide us—it states that healing happens from the inside out, the top down, from more important organs to less important ones, and from the most recent to the oldest symptoms. Most healing crises pass within a day or two, although some cleansers experience several days of "cold" symptoms or sinus congestion. If any symptom lasts longer than two or three days, it should be considered as a side effect or a new problem possibly unrelated to cleansing. If there is a problem that worsens or is severe and causes concern, such as fainting, heart arrhythmias, or bleeding, the fast should be stopped and a doctor consulted.




A doctor or knowledgeable practitioner should supervise anyone for whom fasting is questionable—that is, anyone in poor health or without fasting experience. If the fast is extended for more than three to five days, regular monitoring, including physical examination and blood work should be done, probably about weekly. Fasting may reduce blood protein levels and will definitely lower blood fats. Uric acid levels may rise secondary to protein breakdown, while levels of some minerals, such as potassium, sodium, calcium, or magnesium, may drop. Iron levels are usually lower, and the red blood count may also drop during this time.




I had the headaches..pretty sever..they were only headaches and not head hell...So all was good. Bathroom trips were more and more...HOLY FREAKIN COW...I am constantly brushing my teeth because the berry seeds get stuck between my teeth. My skin is breaking out more and becoming very dry, cracking and in some case bleeding...No HS flare-ups, Energy was better on the second day...No headaches but I did incorporate some grilled salmon sushi my hubby brought home to me :) LOVE ME SOME SUSHI!!! and 1/4 of a cup of almonds...I think this helped with added protein boost...Maybe not so ready for the full feasting but I am trying and not giving up!

First Day of Juice Feasting

First Day of Juice Feasting
Originally uploaded by flameswordswoman

Well it begins my friends I am shooting for 30 days of nothing but juices and smoothies...My power green smoothie this morning consist of:
Spinach, pineapples (2 chunks) 1 banana, 3 huge strawberries, 1/3 cup of very plump blueberries, flax seed, flaxseed oil and hemp seed.
Cheers, Heres to great and vibrant health!

Addictions and Detoxes

I would just like to say that I really do not agree with some of the descriptions I have found to help spread knowledge over some of the medical words in this Blog...I apologize because I know it is way more and deeper than the paper written on the subject because I also deal with the same disease.

In thinking of this Juice Feast and what one might experience while being on it I am sure it will be just like any other detox...Im no stranger to them just tired of going through them...


First one was quitting smoking close to 6 years ago maybe (sorry my brain cant keep dates anymore) That was hell in a tidal wave...Doc says "Karen you are not healing in 8 areas and infection is not going away and we have tried everything, long shot here but maybe if you just try to quit smoking for atleast a month" I remember my heart stopped my hands and feet turned cold I couldn't speak, nod or blink...all I could think of was "MY JOY, MY HAPPINESS, MY STRESS RELIEVER!!!!!" The next couple of days in such excruciating pain I pondered on this...Then my husband says "Im quitting smoking" Brain >>>>>>>rush>>>>>>>; ITS AN EPIDEMIC!!!!! Im like trying  to keep my cool without screaming and choking him asking WTH?????? "Yea, really, when?" he replies "Today" alright besides feeling delirious at this point I go out to "smoke a cigarette" and talk to God. (I was up to 3 packs a day)
I say "God I give this 1 month...U know folks with this disease that dont even smoke and still have it...I know it wont work however IF IT DOES Ill quit forever...(knowing I will be right "God" will be wrong) If nothing changes Im getting a carton and making up for lost time (sticks tongue out into the air and says there)...
Well I started healing (Boy was I PI$$) one by one them lil alien life suckers were healing and infection giving me a break...I had my talk to God again..."So I guess your waiting for an apology? There is some other reason for this  many have quit smoking but still open sores and infection....But Im keeping my part of the deal but NO RUBBING IT IN!!!!" I tried EVERYTING to quit...patch, pills ect.. (I think that was God's way of saying "The only way you'll quit for life is going through Hell first to really get the point") Well allergic to the patch, pills made me hatful and mean and I think Ed man was scared for his life at one point...5 weeks of torture...To this day never back sled once....(So he was right once again...Hell does pay sometime)On going battle but I will win THE WAR!


Second time...Boy oh Boy this will be hard one. When you have a disease that at first you were able to move on from but when the keloid scar tissue and sinus tracking and it just kept going deeper and deeper into the body as it progresses in stages well lets just say I couldn't hold my baby, couldn't play with them...I had towards the end no use of my arms. The pain would knock me out without taking anything. On top of this having a mom that did not support you and that was truly mentally insane and my dad was drugged to no end his-self (different day of posting) I didnt want to live like this anymore...I didnt want to kill myself...When your sick docs give you a BUTLOAD of anything and everything you could want...Even with the drug test and the random pill counts...It happened to me. All prescription drugs...I finally found a doc that new of HS and told me he could help me atleast put it in remission for a while GOD truly smiled on me that day...Its been 2 years and I can fully use my arms and wave to people...I CAN WAVE, I CAN HUG....You cant possibly understand this unless you have truly went through it. Dealing with pain so unimaginable for soooooo long 16 years to NO PAIN...I know that it is hard for some to believe but I was lost...I didnt know what to do...No pain how will I cope...Depression hit harder than ever when it should have been joy and celebration...HS and pain was so much a part of my life it was like I was mourning something that tortured me day in and out. I didnt know how to handle it and Ed man seriously didnt understand what was going on with me and explaining it????Yea....I didnt know how!!! With this and the torture my mom put me through I made my own world with the nice prescription drugs my doc would give me saying "This will help you lose weight and this will help with ADD and this with PTSD and this with your pain oh and dont forget these for RLS wait, wait lets give you something extra incase this one wont work...Yea, seriously...

Flying high and feeling fine until the I needed more 
like Pink sang in her song Sober 
"'Im safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?
I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversationWhen I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?
When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend...


Then I would take more then that quit working so I would take more until Eddie saved my life...Point blank...He didnt know what I was on but recognized signs and research on the internet about abuse drugs and ODing..which is what I was doing. My brother came with his partner and I just cried asking them to go with me to see her once again because I needed help...Of course they came and I be damn if that BITCH looked at them and said there is no way she is addicted she will be fine coming off of the meds she was on....We believed her..(Last time I ever believed anyone on the other-side) Detox was waaaaayyyyy worse than quiting smoking EVER was!!!! 


You talk about ever single demon coming from past and present...my mom was dead at this time and I thought for sure she was still trying to kill me. You litterly feel like you can see everything that matters to you swirling all around you spiraling out of control and I just kept trying to grab onto something but there was nothing for me to grab onto....That was beyond HELL way beyond HELL I fought with the devil himself and he wanted me dead and not to win the WAR. Eddie took to me to many drug abuse centers and no one would take me I remember coming home and shaking just shaking and I couldnt stop begging Eddie to make it all stop...The next morning he had to take Jacob to school and my daughter was in the next room watching tv and I felt like something was crawling all over me and on the bed and I tore off everything and kept telling myself its not real, LEAVE ME ALONE, its not real...Eddie said write down everything your feeling right now maybe this will help...I wrote 10 pages in a matter of minutes...all my childhood and adulthood darkness just fell over me I would sit and write and cry moaning mumbling hitting the pen to the paper not wanting to go where I was going because when I was younger you would be punished...Nobody was to know anything...Life was one big show and I was not about to ruin it...talking about the past when it was the present was evil and never to be brought up let alone bringing it up in the present time being grown with husband and children and my mom gone...she still had HOLD of me in the grave!!!!! I would try to wash dishes or do anything and just fall to the floor crying with this overwhelming feeling of being held down against my will not being able to get up ...


I had to quit cold turkey because no one would help me medically...I was already at the point of no return if it wasn't for Eddie...Eddie my son and 2 really great friends pulled me through it. Its been 1 yr I have been drug free except for the 4 brain surgeries I have had since August but I had no choice. But at home there was no reason for taking anything..To this day I take NOTHING...Yes, I said NOTHING. Still fight the addiction to this day...On going battle but I will win THE WAR!

Wow this next one is detoxing from all the negative feelings and well this will definitely be a different day...I think I exceeded some limit somewhere in "Blog writing"

What the heck am I doing to get my life back?

First and foremost: I am not a doctor, therapist or have any other certified title...I have disease's with NO NONE CAUSE OR CURE...So I as well as other's who have the same diseases go out and become our own advocate;)


I was told by my neurosurgeon lose the weight your body physically CAN NOT take another brain surgery. < see that tiny dot right there but he said P E R I O D!!!!Last surgery was a scary one and I was told by him (neurosurgeon) that my body so wore out it was hard bringing me back from a self-endused comma (due to pain that could not be controlled otherwise) Well baby that is all I needed to hear...I just had to control myself not going full-forced into running a marathon...(yes I go overboard) With the disease HS you have to watch every single little thing because when you awaken the BEAST all  HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!!! (This will show up in another random post Im sure it will shock and awe most of you because I have educated doctors and nurses from every ethnicity that had not a clue what I had or what it looked like)
So with "my" husbands research (Thanks Honey) we decided to go Raw (I am no way saying GO RAW or sending out subliminal messages through the internet airways) just saying what Ed man (my husband, yes he is doing it as well) and ME, MYSELF and I are doing ;) I have done this before with GREAT success....Past 2 years has been hell for me mentally and physically. Last year I was 175 last surgery which was on Dec. 20th 267 right now doing the raw foods I am down to 248.
Let me just say I LOVE MEAT AND CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok I feel better...For right now atleast the next 30,60 maybe 100 days we have decided to go on a Raw smoothie diet...or juice feast as some call it...


I am used to kale and mustard greens and as well as collards with bacon grease drizzled over it...CAN I GET A HOLLA?!?! Now they will be BAMBOOZZLED into a drinkable concussion called (Echoing, annoying voice) G R E E N  S M O O T H I E...


I as well as Ed man are still researching, learning heads exploding with new info everyday.
So far I have just started reading "Green Smoothie Revolution" By: Victoria Boutenko...cant say much about it will let you know further into the book.
Many websites we both have visited Ed man more  than I but none have been really "Blogable"


So another random thing I will post about with pics and videos so stay tuned...Wish me luck...

 

What you might expect with this Blog

Welcome to Karen's "Random, Raw and Uncut" Blog.
I have started this Blog for therapeutic reasons and in the hopes my rambling, thoughts and feelings will help someone along the way.


I am going to be very random with my posts due to the hyperactivity in my mind(I have so much to say and show and...and...get the picture?) unless a subject is hot and heavy in conversation and needs more attention.


I'm pretty raw and out there with my emotions...I guess enough said on that note...


Uncut, hmmm...well lets just say there is no such phrase as TMI in my vocabulary...I lay it out on the line in the hopes by not sugar coating my "laying it out there" will reach, touch or even embrace someone to where they can have that AH-HA moment that someone does understand...either that or one giant laugh due to me "going there" and you can't believe it...Either way is a win situation right?


I am 38 and overweight and have 2 diseases, one called HS and they other called Pseudotumor 
I also suffer from PTSD which I am sure my blog/post will mainly focus on. My PTSD was triggered by childhood/adulthood trauma.


On a very brighter note and the reason for everything good in  my life...I have one heck of a man that stands by my side (God love him) for over 20 years and counting...God has blessed us with 2 kiddos Jacob 16 and Julianne 11. We also have some furry creatures..3 dogs and a cat throw in a feathery Cockatiel and you have the Leverich Crew...


Through this random journey, I will talk about what I am doing as far as weight loss-ok hate that phrase lets call it "Getting my life back" (ahh, yes much better) to anything and everything else that just BURST through my brain and goes KA-POW through my finger tips...


I hope I dont lose you and that you can keep up with this wild ride I have to deal with daily inside my head and along the rails of this crazy train you find something that helps you or that you can certainly relate too.


This is me...Random, Raw and Uncut, BaBy!