Learning to let go and let forgiveness soar

MArch 21st I have decided to let this be the day I let everything free from inside. Im allowing it to go and not to "Hold it" captured any longer.

For a while I thought "IT" was holding me captured...Not the case as I am getting help for understanding this and drugs no longer cast scales upon my eyes...

March 21st as I walk around the park it will be like my liberation in reclaiming my life and breaking free fromm all these sicknesses that feed from it.

My dad and mom are the biggest part of my sickness....My dad can not remember anything from when we were little let alone when the adult abuse started. Ive tried talking to him and he genuinely breaks down in disgust that any of this he let happen so I quit talking about it. Yes you can truly tell when someone is being genuine..I was around a "Life Show" all my life I know when someone is BSing and not...My dad abused my mom emotionally and physically by raping her and beating her.

The night he quit is the story was the supposed to be hidden and I was threatened with my life to never tell.
When I told My therapist I felt like a child again like at any min I was going to be taken away and punished...The day she told me "Karen your family was Fucked up" was the day I sang praise to God because no one ever agreed or seen it that way not even my husband,,,That day was a glorious day...

The night it got out of control...
My brother and I always stood at the foot of the steps and listened when my dad would come home from drinking just to make sure mom would "make it through the beating"...One night was really bad he come on thinking there was another man in the house and the beating was to the extreme....My lil brother ran out to try to stop it to be picked up and thrown...I sat there in the door step watching shaking and crying and then it was like I blacked out....I remember thinking I was going to die but I didnt care. I came running out swinging the bat and swinging the bat and none of the swings missed (sometimes I wonder if that was God power behind them swings) mom called 911 on me....on me and not dad....I didnt careat this time what happened to her but my brother was coming with me....I dont remember how old I was....But her anger grew that day towards me and hate...I still dont understand. When the cops came they seen my mom and arrested dad...mom kept screaming "what about her???" nothing happened to me and dad was gone for a while gettng help...We weren't allowed to see him...it took years before the help truly did help...but the open sores were aready septic from all the years before....Everyone asked where dad was and mom would tell them in Chicago on a business trip....

My thoughts are scattered today....

My mom would beg me after I had my son and daughter to kill her. She had a knife one Christmas while my husband was away came at me I thought she was going to try to kill me again, but she screamed out on her hands and knees and said "please kill me" I cant live with it all anymore..." I took the knife from her put it down and told mom lets talk..she spit on me and pushed me infront of my son...I told him to grab his sister and run for the truck....I didnt no what was next...as I was running towards the door my dad asked me "what have I done?" Cying I said nothing...She asked me to kill her and I wont do it?!?! All dad said was "Well now I haver to put up with her"...I grabbed my daughter which was 2 maybe 3 at the time and had my son to run for the truck because she came at the door with every intension of killing me...I couldnt make it down the steps quick enough because of the ice...she pushed me down them with my baby girl in my arms...I remember her crying and my son screaming mommy....I finally got to my feet and looked up at my dad and he just turned around and walked back inside....Mom told me to rot in hell...that, that was the only placed I deserved to live....for years she tried to take my children away from me...if it made me happy she was going to attempt to destroy it.......

Writing this has made me a bit distant towards everyone but It is imperative that I get this out...so that I can be set free...Nothing is more important right now beside my family and us healing from this...